I'm moving...

Okay, so I'm moving to a new blog address. I explain why on the new blog. It's going to take me awhile to get it fully set up, but I'm going to at least start posting on there so that it forces me to find my way around it and figure out how to do things. The address is katiejsjournal.wordpress.com. See you there!

Another Update... God is so good!

My friend's friend that I wrote about, Karen, who breastfed her adopted baby exclusively using a supplemental nursing system, called me today. We had a wonderful conversation. She was so encouraging. Not only did she tell me everything to do and exactly how to do it, etc... she has supplies left over from her son that she's going to sell me. She's basically going to sell me her Lact-aid supplemental nursing system, lots of bags, extra parts, herbs that I need, and more for $30. We'll be getting almost everything I need off of that huge list that I posted! She even has an almost-full bottle of the Domperidone. (She ordered it from Australia because you don't need a prescription over there to get it and it's much cheaper.) I'll still have to talk to my doctor about it, as she did, but I'll have everything I need to get started and then some! What a blessing! I have to admit that I keep rubbing Matthew in my tummy when he's sleeping and when he's active, just imagining nursing him. I also look at my Ev and regret that I didn't know all this then, but I can only work on the future, so that's what I'll do. Who knows, maybe I'll be an inspiration to other women if this all works out. Please, though, friends, don't assume that the battle's over... please, please continue to pray for me. Even if it works, it's going to be hard work and take lots of time and effort. We need all the prayer we can get! I do want to leave you with this quote that I found on the Motherlove website. (They sell the Motherlove Special Blend that Karen is giving me- it's specifically formulated to help adoptive moms and moms with breast formation issues or past surgeries. ) There were lots of quotes from women who had previous breast surgery that said this worked, but this one is specific sounded like it could have been me. I was so excited to read this!

I always had strangely shaped, tubular breasts, and during my first pregnancy they never enlarged. At one week of age, my daughter was well under her birth weight, and we made an urgent call to a lactation consultant. We discovered that I didn’t have a lot of milk making breast tissue, even though my breasts were long…. I started pumping immediately; along with Goat’s Rue and More Milk Plus tincture every feeding…. Gradually my milk production increased. Soon, I had enough milk to make it through night feedings with just me! At two months, because I breastfed very often and (she) nursed willingly, we decided to stop pumping but maintain the herbs. By three months, I was down to two evening bottles, and at age four months, (she) decided not to take a supplemental bottle at all. She continued to gain weight at the same pace and was a healthy baby. The work was hard, but the reward was great!—J. Story - Excerpt from A Breastfeeding Mother’s Guide to Making More Milk by Diana West and Lisa Marasco

Isn't that exciting??? :) I'm hoping to get the book that this was an exerpt in because the website lists the chapters and one of them is specifically about tubular breasts and breast surgery. Anyhow, others have gone before me and done this, and I can do it too, Lord willing! Good night, all :).

An Update on my Boobs :)

Well, after getting sad while writing my last post, I got even more determined to do more research. So this weekend I stayed up late after the kids went to bed and surfed the 'net. I found lots of useful websites, but these were the two that were most useful to me:

www.mobimotherhood.org

www.nbci.ca

I also emailed a friend of mine at church who is due to have her 8th child in September. She's also a midwife and the La Leche League leader in her area. (We go to church about a half hour from where we live.) I told her my story (the shorter version) and asked for help. She sent me the most encouraging email ever! I was crying when I finished reading it and was so excited I couldn't sleep last night! She encouraged me as well as gave me the email address of a friend of hers who exclusively breastfed her adopted newborn using a lactation aid and the breastmilk she was able to produce by pumping, using medications, and taking herbs. Most of all, Cheri encouraged me in that she said that, even if I have to use a lactation aid, I can absolutely nurse Matthew! Here is the regimin I'm on now and what I will be on after Matthew is born. (Some things aren't safe to take until the baby is born.)

For now:

-My prenatal vitamins
-16 tablets of Alfalfa a day

After delivery:

-I'll continue the above, plus...
-At least 3 capsules of Fenugreek 3 times a day
-3 capsules of Blessed Thistle 3 times a day
-Use the lact-aid supplemental nursing system (you should google it- it's amazing!)
-Take 3-4 tablets/pills of Domperidone 3-4 times a day

The scary thing right now is the cost. It cost about $11 a month for the alfalfa, $5 a month for the prenatal vitamins, $18 a month for the Fenugreek, $12 a month for the Blessed Thistle, $69 for the Lact-aid (not counting replacement tubes and bags- it comes with 100 bags), and who knows for the Domperidone. I'm hoping insurance will cover it, but, if not, you can get it online for about $80 a month. Yikes... that's $115-$195 a month. But I know God will provide a way. And I'm so blessed that James is so supportive. Well, I need to run. I here Gabi in the kitchen and that is never a good thing! Keep praying!

My Boobs Don't Work...

Sorry, I couldn't decide whether or not to use a funny-ish title for this post. I was hoping it might break the ice.... let me first say that I'm not writing this post for pity or to gross people out. I'm writing it because, the more I research my condition, the more people I find who have it, too. And, because I am so grateful that they were willing to write their stories for me to learn from/ find hope in, I feel like I should reciprocate for the benefits of others to come along. That said, here goes:

When I was 12, I noticed that my breasts didn't look like any others I had seen. (Probably at that point, my mom's, sister's, and probably some friends.) One of them was much smaller than the other one, and they just looked "weird." I did what any young girl would do: I showed them to my mom. Later, she told me that she was really almost "freaked out," but she calmly said something to the effect of, "Yes, honey, there's a big difference in size, let's show your sister." So, show my sister we did. When she, too, was "freaked out," we showed my dad. (Not a pleasant experience for an adolescent, I assure you. I'm guessing it wasn't that pleasant for him, either.)

My parents apparently agreed that my mom should take me to the doctor. Fortunately, at that time, my dad was still in the Air Force. I don't remember the doctor's name because, with military life, you get whoever they give you, but I remember him (or her?) saying that there definitely was a significant difference in size and he/she would refer me to a plastic surgeon.

I, again, don't remember the plastic surgeon's name, but I do remember that he was a black man probably in his 40's who made me feel really comfortable and "okay" with this. He looked at my breasts and informed my mom and I that, not only were my breasts very different in size (like the difference between an A cup and a C cup) but that I had something called tubular breast syndrome. Basically, for whatever reason, my breasts formed in more of tube shapes than the typical cone shape. There was very little fat at the base of the breasts and more fat kind of "clumped" at the end of the breast, behind an enlarged ariola. (I've since learned through my research that this is typical of tubular breasts.) The doctor recommended two things: that he go into both breasts and cut the fat bands apart to help them spread so they would be more normally shaped and to put a saline implant in my left breast so that they would be much closer in size. At that point, I didn't want to argue. I was 13 and had ugly breasts that looked weird. I wanted to be "normal" and this was as close to normal as it was going to get.

On May 8, 1995, I had the surgery. I remember be scared because the nurses said that they would have me get on the operating table myself once we got into the operating room. I was terrified that I would see a scalpel or something laying beside me. Turns out that in the preop room, they told me to count backwards from 100 and I must have been gone by 97 or 96. That was a relief. I remember being sore afterwards but, most of all, uncomfortable. I cannot say enough that I do not recommend for others to get an implant in one breast but not the other. It's very, very strange. One is heavier than the other, one flattens more than the other when you lie down, it's hard to find a bra that feels like it supports both evenly, etc. I can't say either way about getting both breasts "done," but I definitely feel that way about having only one done.

So, fast forward 10 years. I meet my incredible husband, James, who not only thinks that my having a foster daughter as a single mom was wonderful, he likes my breasts, too. (At least he says so.) He says he gets the best of both worlds. I don't say this to gross you out, but to give him the credit he deserves for always being supportive and loving. When we had been married a year, we found out, surprise! we were pregnant with Evan. (It was a surprise because Gabi had just turned 1 and Sarah was only a month old when I conceived.) It was a tough pregnancy because we had just moved, started new jobs, were having issues with our employer, and James was still in school. To top it off, I developed severe preeclampsia at 30 1/2 weeks and had to be delivered by c-section at 31 1/2 weeks. Now, I had seen the hospital lactation consultant around 4 months because I was so desperate to breastfeed, and knew I might have problems. She basically told me that she couldn't help me; we would just have to wait and see what happened. So after having my baby surgically removed way too early in the pregnancy, I saw him, literally, for a few seconds, then didn't see him again until over 24 hours later. At that point, he was hooked up to a ventilator and I couldn't even hold him. I was in so much pain and so drugged from pain medicines and, I would find out later, mostly my blood pressure meds, that I could barely keep my head up or reach my hand in the feel his little body. It was a full 2 weeks until I finally figured out that the blood pressure medicine was making me feel so tired and whoozy- I would visit my Evan and sit by his isolet (sp?) and think about what an awful mom I was because all I wanted to do was crawl in bed and sleep. I felt much better after they lowered my meds; even the NICU nurses noticed a huge difference. All this time, I pumped. I pumped ever 3 hours, through night and day. And all I got was between 5 and 10 mL (yes, mL) in breastmilk. The nurses encouraged me, saying that it was good for him, and they put it in his feeding tube. By the time Evan was 4 or 5 weeks old and they encouraged me to try to breastfeed, I was so discouraged from seeing these other moms carry out bottle full of breastmilk from the breastfeeding room that I tried once and just quit. I had failed in the one thing I had dreamt about since I was a little girl. Since I would play with my babies and put them up my shirt to pretend I was nursing. Since I would see moms at church and in public nursing and barely be able to take my eyes away because it was so sweet and precious. James had been so supportive; we had even bought a supplemental nursing system with money we really couldn't afford to spend. It had a bottle that hung around my neck with tubes I could tape to my breasts so that Evan could nurse on me while getting formula. Unfortunately, the lactation consultant was not supportive of this at all, so I was embarrassed to pull it out in the NICU. By the time Evan came home at 6 weeks, I just tried not to think about nursing and focused on him gaining weight and being healthy.

Well, here I am again. For months, since Evan was born and all the way through this pregnancy, I have succumbed to tears at times because I so desire to breastfeed. I've been angry at God. Angry that he would allow someone else's breasts to work and they wouldn't even care to breastfeed. Having friends that didn't breastfeed on purpose because they didn't want to get engorged. And no, I promise, I'm not being judgemental about their decision. I'm just frustrated that they CAN and DON'T and I want to SO BADLY and CAN'T. I have prayed. I have tried herbs. I have prayed more. I have tried Reglan, a prescription that's supposed to help increase milk supply. And I have prayed more. I have cried to myself in the shower and cried in James' arms. And yes, I'm crying now. I don't think I will ever get over this. Ever. I am determined to try again with Matthew. I am determined that maybe it will be different if we can make it further along in the pregnancy and he be, dare I say it, full term. I know what you're thinking: be thankful that you baby is healthy. Be thankful that we have infant formula that's nearly as good as breastmilk. I am, I promise. But being thankful for those things doesn't take away the heartache when I see other mommies holding their babies close, comforting and nourishing them in a miraculous way that our God created. No, I will never get over this. So, as I said, I write this for the benefit of others who may feel alone. And I guess I also write this asking for prayer. Maybe, just maybe, if you pray for me, and beg with me, our God will see fit to give me this gift. I know I'm not any more deserving than anybody else, but I can't help but ask. And now I'm going to wipe away my tears because my Gabi is standing by me, holding onto my arm, saying, "Mommy, I don't want you to be sad." And I'm just going to hope, one more time.

Much-needed Time Away

This past weekend was James' and my "anniversary weekend." (I put that in quotes b/c our anniversary isn't really for another month, but this was the best weekend to find people to keep our children.) We left about 10:20 on Friday and began by dropping Sarah and Evan off at my parents' house. Then we drove to NC to drop Gabi off at Gary and Shannon's house. (Gary is one of our church elders... his oldest girls, Aerin and Joelle, come once a week to help me, so Gabi is very familiar with them. He has 6 children in all and his oldest, Nathaniel (aka "Faniel" to Gabi) raises chickens, which Gabi loves to see.) From there, we went back into SC to drop Nafa off at Gary and Elaine's house. They are an older couple who never had children of their own. I met Elaine in college at breakfast, where I thought she was a "lonely secretary" eating by herself and joined her to keep her company. After eating breakfast with her almost daily for the next 6 months or so, I found out she was really the head of the business department. She became a precious friend and is now retired with her sweet husband Gary. They had a ball keeping Nafa and letting him watch the birds outside their living room window. From their home, we went by the Adoptions office to drop off some paperwork that we had finished for Sarah's pending adoption (yay!) and finally felt like we were "on vacation." We drove to the hotel and checked in. We were so excited to take a nap before dinner; funny thing was, we couldn't sleep! We laid there for about 10 minutes then decided to get up and get some things done on our "to do list." We went by the clearance Goodwill store where they sell things in huge bins and you just dig through to find what you want. Everything costs $1.09 a pound, except for books, which were cheaper. We were on a mission: to find interesting/exciting/fun dress up close for the kids. We also found some books and were excited to find two dress-up vests and some camo pants that I need to cut off for Evan, so he could play dress-up, too. (He was so cute today- I put one of the vests on him and he walked around smiling, then picked up a bright orange purse and put it on his shoulder... he was set to go! :)) After that, we went to Babies'r'us to look for bottles for Matthew, just in case I can't nurse again. (Even if I can, chances are I'll need to supplement... more on that later.) We left from there to eat at our favorite Japanese restaurant, Miyabi. Mmmmm, it was so good. The only negative was that there was a really rude girl/woman next to us with her husband/boyfriend. She got really upset at the waiter because he wouldn't put her drink in a to go cup. Then, she asked for low-sodium soy sauce, but proceeded to add salt to ALL her food... so strange. It reminded me of the restaurant scene in the beginning of Return to Me. If you've never seen that movie, you absolutely should, but make sure you have tissues nearby. Despite her rudeness, the meal was soooo yummy and we had leftovers for the next day. After Miyabi, we went to the Christian bookstore, where we enjoyed taking our time (which we never get to do in stores with the children.) James and I each got a new book. He got a portable seminary companion. (I can't remember the name of it.) It looks very interesting- I read the introduction to him in the car and I'm looking forward to learning more about what we believe and the history of the church together. I got a book by Elizabeth George (who I love) called A Woman's High Calling: 10 Essentials for Godly Living. I've only read the introduction, but it looks wonderful. The 10 essentials she lists are wisdom, Godly speech, love of husband, love of children, ministry to other women, purity, personal discipline, goodness, Godly behavior, and love of home. I'm looking so forward to digging into it! After lifeway, we went back to the hotel. We were going to swim, but our room was so cool and quiet that we decided to try to watch a movie. Unfortunately, the DVD player we brought wouldn't work with the tv in the living area and this hotel didn't have movies that you could order, so we were stuck just watching tv. It's funny how, since not having tv in our home for months now, nothing looked good. We were looking forward to being able to watch, but were pretty bored with everything that was on. In fact, we were pretty bored the whole time! Not that I'm complaining, but it's hard to get used to doing "nothing" when you're used to constantly being busy, you know? Anyhow, we went to bed and woke up the next morning in time more a yummy hotel breakfast. We had planned to eat well so that we could skip lunch, and eat well we did! After some more tv browsing, we left to go to the teacher store so we could look for homeschool materials. To tell you the truth, the store in our small town is much better, so I didn't find much that interested me, but I made mental notes as I got ideas. From there, we went to Target (which we don't have in our town) and had fun in the Dollar Stop (found puzzles for the girls and a football for Evan for treats) and basically walked around just enjoying not being in a rush. We left there and went to Barnes and Noble which was the best. I found 6 books on homeschooling and just sat in a corner (because the chairs were all full) and enjoyed looking through them. One of them I really wanted, but I had already gotten my "treat" (my book) and couldn't get it this time. Maybe soon... Before we left I found a fiction book about an Amish young woman and read about a chapter. I've always been facinated with their life and, though I don't believe all worldliness is bad, I love the thought of really simplifying our life. (Of course, I definitely want indoor plumbing! Electricity has it's perks, too... :)) From there we went to Mimi's Cafe for an early dinner. I ordered their Corn Chowder and salad with a honey-bran muffin...it was so yummy. James got a cheeseburger and I stole a couple bites of that- I have been craving protein so much with Matthew! We left Mimi's and headed back to the hotel where, again, we tried to nap... with no luck. That really stunk- all the time to nap in the world and not able to fall asleep- at home I can barely wait for the girls to fall asleep to get to my bed- sometimes I even fall asleep with them! We ended up watching tv for awhile and then swimming, which was nice except for I couldn't get in the hot tub :(. I did slip in for a few minutes because I didn't think it was any hotter than my bath water, but James worried the whole time so I got out. The pool water was freezing, though! We probably stayed out there less than an hour, then went back to the room. James tried to hook up the DVD player to the bedroom tv this time and it worked, except for it was in black and white. It turned out fine, though, because we had borrowed The Untouchables from my brother, Matt, and it's a movie set in the 1930s, so the black and white seemed appropriate. It was actually a really good movie. I ended up falling asleep to the new Bewitched on tv. Can I just say that I don't get why they remake perfectly wonderful old shows and movies? Like Yours, Mine, and Ours... the original was so good. Anyhow, Sunday morning we got up and enjoyed a yummy breakfast again. We had asked for late checkout and were going to stay until 1, but my mom called about 10:30 and had an issue, so we had to shower and leave, which was sad, but we were ready to see our babies, too. We went back to Gary and Elaine's to get Nafa. They had planned on us eating lunch with them, so we were all sad that we had to hurry. I think they were sad to see him go. From there, we went straight to my parents' house since my mom had brought Gabi home from church with them. We were so happy to have our family back together, but it was a rough afternoon and evening as none of the children slept as well as normal being in new places, so they were very tired. We picked Christopher up when we got the kids and he ate pizza with us for dinner. Then I took a bubble bath with Gabs to try to get her our of her tired "funk," and it worked while we were in there. When it was time to get out, she was a monster! We made it though and got them settled for bed. I had an awful headache (I think from the weather) and went to bed early. All in all, it was such a nice weekend. Nothing exciting or particularly romantic about it- just the two of us enjoying talking to each other without interruptions, snuggling without someone squeezing in between us, eating full meals without getting up once, and just enjoying each other period. We are so grateful for the wonderful people that kept our children for us; we know that 4 little ones are not easy and we're so thankful that you were willing to do it. We wish we could do this twice a year and, though that will probably never happen, we're looking forward to the next time God paves a way for us to get away together- alone. Until then, we'll enjoy the memories and just enjoy being "Daddy" and "Mommy." (Oh, and I'm too sleepy to edit this so excuse my grammatical errors. :))

Catching up...

Whew, it's been a long week since I posted on Rachel's birthday! So much has happened! I'm going to try to jot down important things without getting bogged down with too many details; hopefully, that will help me to keep up with my memory-keeping!

-Sarah's adoption caseworker, Genny, visited on Thursday. She is hoping that she'll get Sarah's legally-free letter so that we can sign paperwork this Friday- whoohoo! Then, we basically take the letter to our lawyer and she begins correspondence with DSS adoptions. She'll set a court date- hopefully soon!- and get everything together. You never know how long it will take to get to court, but we're hoping that our Sarah will be ours officially by the end of summer!

-Right before Genny came on Thursday, Angel hurt her arm. I was getting everybody out of the playroom because Gabi's OT had arrived and she and Gabi needed to work alone for awhile. I took Angel's hand to bring her out, and she had a fit and threw her body to the floor. I heard something "pop," but checked her arm and it looked fine. She continued to fuss about her arm hurting until, finally, I decided to call the doctor. (When you offer Angel a snack and she refuses, you know something's wrong! :)) The doctor didn't have any appointments until late that afternoon, so I decided to take her to the ER. Thankfully, two of our church elder's daughters had come to help for the day. Aerin is 12 and Joelle is 11. We were done in an hour, and the children did pretty well, especially considering it was lunch time and I had asked Joelle to make some quick PB sandwiches to take with us. The doctor took x-rays of the elbow and said it looked fine, but had probably been something called "nursemaid's elbow" that is common at this age. He said it had probably corrected itself and would stop hurting in the next hour or so. Well, the story doesn't end there. Angel continued to complain about her arm hurting through Saturday. She tends to make a big deal out of things, so I didn't worry too much about it. However, when she was still complaining at lunch on Saturday, I gently twisted her arm while James distracted her, and she cried out. James decided to take her back to the ER during nap. Bless his heart, he took Mayce, too, and they were there for 4 hours. (The rest of us got a great nap, though :).) This time, they did an x-ray of her whole arm. Apparently there might be a teeny-tiny hairline fracture in the growth plate of her humorus. So, we're going to the "bone doctor" this morning to have it checked out. She has a half-cast/half-splint on it until it's checked out. I hope she gets it off today because it's starting to fall apart- 2-year olds and casts don't work well together!

Well, I'm going to take a break b/c I need to get everybody ready for the doctor. Hopefully I'll find time later to come back and finish up before more "stuff" happens and I get further behind! Have a good day!

(Oh, check out my friend, Rebecca's post, on the left of the page- she has a fun "tag-you're it" post that I hope to do later, too. I'd love for y'all to do it because I enjoyed reading her answers and getting to know her more.)

:(

I really wish I had time to write a looong journal entry- so much has been happening and I have so much on my heart and mind. Unfortunately, I don't. So here's my little greeting saying that I'm still alive :). Hope you all have a wonderful week.